Once a man

[Hannibal]

Chasing a dream that can't be,
Calculated on a sheet of stone white,
Self-fufilling paper.
Filled with the same material,
that strives to put us into a prison.

But yet, we choose to discern ourselves,
From others,
By the same means with which we,
Can't describe that which truly matters,
As we stare a the stone white,
And attempt in vain to put graphite upon it.

Minds blank with displeasure,
Bright sunrise,
Giving way to the discomfort of a wretched sun,
Which lays into a miraculous sunset,
As the day gives way to the evening hours,
Our firelight the only thing,
Keeping us awake,
Trembling as the chill of night rouses our bones,
But yet it stands as stone white,
Without mark,

And once more we're left unable,
To describe within our prison cells,
That about which we dream,
And we're left once more,
Staring at the white rock.


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As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.
Word And Voice
Motocross Fanatics
General Philosophy

[thrutheeyesofme]

ok firstly i loved the images.. what i took from it was a) the act of writing, the process and the emancipation it can bring. b) it is a craft ingrained, like carving rocks in primal times.
c) the expressivenss inside us which we sometimes cannot express - we know it separates us from the rest - they don't.

favourite line: 'minds blank with displeasure' maybe this could be expanded, like the parts of the body/soul/identity and how they function...
the sunset imagery was beautiful.. almost like the day drawing to a weary, burnt-out end.

i really liked this one hannibal, excellent work

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[Generalkaos]

Well, the ideas are all there, but here's something you might benefit from, Hannibal, if you're not already doing it. Why not play with punctuation and capitalization to strengthen the emotional effect of your lines. For instance, if you have an idea that you want to split between two lines because of the number of words it takes to express it, why not begin that idea with a capital letter and continue, keeping a close eye on caps and commas and such? Also, why did you end the first stanza with the mention of prison? I think the idea has more heft than you let come across. The word "prison" seems a shorthand for what you talk about in the rest of the piece, so why not bind these disparate flashes of image into a cohesive one that can hold them as planes hold passengers? Just a thought. I would really like to see you stay with your images and see how far you can take them rather than sketching them partially and running to something else.

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Fetch me my blue fright wig, that I may be handsome when I unleash my wrath.